More Caveats for this Imbroglio

The word of the day today, I just noticed, is imbroglio. That's just so appropos.

I want to say two things.

First, I am once again feeling that pang of guilt: I feel like this is an excercise in self-pitty. I want an objective measure to report, not some fuzzy "waahh, it hurts more today" comment that really amounts to nothing. Unfortunately, such a measure is not feasible. How does one measure clumsiness, frustration, pain, stiffness? ...There are only subjective measures for these concepts. (I could potentially measure my typing speed, say, but that seems silly.)

Second, I am still holding on to the theory that much of what I'm experiencing is simply (or at least largely) subconscious. If that turns out to be the case, I'm going to be terribly embarrassed that I'm getting people worked up about nothing. To that end, all I can say is that the emphasis is on subconscious. I am not deliberately (at least, consciously) misleading anyone. But the sheer "fuzziness" of all of this makes the scientist in me rail against the whole process. As I said: objective measures are lacking. There's no hard evidence of any downward spiral. It's literally all in my head, manufactured or not: it's personal, and I'm trying to make it publicly clear when that's hardly possible.

So, please, be careful with your comments, because I'm feeling guilty about the amount of attention this is garnering. I feel I'm on the spot, here. Perhaps it would help if I reported less often and only on items of significance. Hmmmn.

I hope this makes sense.

Argh.

Still Picking up the Calf

Well, I was hoping this weekend would bring another "up" day, but it didn't. Still, it was par for the course: just a little worse each day. (But just a little.)

Still walking, talking, working, typing. It's slightly more obnoxious today than the day before, but not too bad.

However, I am reminded of the story of the boy who went out to the barn every day after birthing a calf to lift the calf... eventually the day came that he couldn't, and he scratched his head and wondered how that was possible, given that he'd lifted it every day before then. Heh.

But we'll figure out what's going on before that. I've got a loooong way to go before anything is really "crippling".

In another effort to rule out environmental stuff, I've decided to change beds: I'm now sleeping in the guest room. It's noisier (front of the building), but the bed's fine. The dog is freaking out slightly about it (why isn't he in bed?!?), but we haven't had any massive rebellion.

On top of that, there wasn't any role-playing game this weekend, so I got a good three nights of 10-12 hours of sleep. That should help. Certainly feels good when I'm doing it. Heh.

Saturday was a designated "down day", and I listened to a whole lot of music, played with a whole lot of synths (slightly depressing, that, since I need freqent breaks: hard to edit patches with lots of interruptions). I have my sights set on Stylus RMX (so I can just lay down a few beats and go), and an upcoming synth called "Zebra 2", which just takes everything to a whole new level of ease-of-use and quality. Lacks the smooth silkiness of Albino, so I may want to have both in my arsenal, but I would certainly be "good to go" with Zebra 2 only. ...I'm going to see if I can put in the extra consulting time (I only need three extra hours) to afford it this month.

Anyway, that was a lot of fun. And I wrote some decent music, too.

Presently, I am finishing up lunch--one of Amy's organic "Bowls". I bought a bunch of Amy's stuff yesterday, and was thinking, "damn, these had better be GOOD at nearly $5 a pop!". Well, let me tell you: the pasta-and-tofu bowl concoction was GOOD. Yum.

Anyway, time to batten down the dog and head back to work. [salutes]

Over-the-phone left-a-message test results

So, this is just a message on the answering machine at this point, thus there are no hard numbers yet, but: my bloodwork came back. The key phrases from the message were "still nothing causitive" and "some of your cholesterol numbers are way up there", which he says is a "big time issue, but nothing we need to jump on today". So he'll be calling me back on Monday.

Something of a drag that there are no answers about the cramps. ...but the cholesterol was anticipated. The whole reason I started seeing the doctor again was to get back "on track" with the cholesterol treatment, given that the cramps were clearly not caused by the Lipitor... and my cholesterol was right where it needed to be after a month of being on it. ...I'm just a bit curious as to what the actual numbers were. Also, it's somewhat implied that the arthritis test came back negative, which is a good thing, too. ...Meaning, it's not Lupus (or a number of other possibilities). ; ) To be honest, I'm actually slightly surprised that it came back negative, since my joints have always ached to one degree or another (hips, knees, and fingers especially), and I'd assumed I'd just inherited arthritis. But apparantly not. Hmmmn.

More details on Monday (assuming I get the phone call).

A Second Wind Over the Mesas

Well, I didn't get to sleep after that post, and lay in bed suffering until about 12:00. All I could think about was the cramping, and secondarily how I could possibly explain it to a doctor. My anxiety level just kept going up and up and up, and I had the thought that this is like torture: I'm in pain and out of control of it.

So it dawned on me that I really needed to get my mind off of it, and I decided to turn on the light and read my book. At the moment, I'm working my way through the last third of Mind Hacks. But the book wasn't by the bed, and I didn't have the energy to get up and look for it.

Instead, I grabbed The Tao of Photography. ...And boy, am I glad I did. It was exactly what I needed: a reminder that there is no suffering in the present moment: I was dwelling on the future (explaining to the Doctor) and the past (when there wasn't pain). I felt so much better just after a few pages that I put the book down and fell almost immediately to sleep. Perfect.

I know that kind of talk rubs some of you the wrong way, but I think "mindfullness" is something that is scientifically sound. In a nutshell, it's basically saying what I just said: suffering is relative. By filtering your thoughts to simply what you are currently perceiving, and dwelling on them instead of on the comparitors, you can dramatically reduce your perceptions of desire, regret, and (basically) stress: you just are what you are. It takes some practice, but it works. Demonstrably. (And, in my personal experience, quite well.)

That said (and feeling better), I have a few observations:

I was worried (in the Hypochondria post, below) that these cramps were only pseudo-real... I'm now convinced that they are very real. I'm dwelling on them, yes, and that's making them worse... but they're real. Unfortunately (or not), they are also less than fully predictable.

My "neurological" symptoms (slowness/clumsiness of hands) are slightly better today. In fact, there's no hypersensitivity except for one spot on my right foot that's been particularly bad for a few days (the center of my heel). I don't know about my speech, no one is around to test it on. On the bad side, muscle fatigue is so thorough that typing is still painful after a few lines, and I still need to pause frequently to let my forearms rest.

I haven't lost weight (I'm 180 lbs)... but I've lost a lot of fat. Where's it going? Okay, don't laugh, but I'm now convinced: it's going to my muscles. My calves, bicepts, shoulders, and thighs are all perceptibly "bigger" than they were a month ago. ...So there's a positive side to all this cramping.

...Now if only the fatigue would go away, so I could see if there's any actual strength behind them! : D ...I try to test it, but they burn after just a few seconds of use.

Alright, now I'm going to be late for work.

Sleepless in the Sandias

Okay, I was too quick to attribute my trouble sleeping "Retless Leg Syndrome". It's similar: I'm compelled to move my legs, and I cannot fully sleep. But it's also significantly different: one, I'm also compelled to move my arms. (This is known to happen in some RLS cases, though). Two, it's less of a "creepy-crawly feeling"... more just an inability to attain a sleep-state. Three, I can quell the need to move by using a relaxation technique. (This is just impossible with RLS.) I just can't convert that relaxation to sleep (nor to autohypnosis, which is frustrating, 'cause I sure could use some). And four, I don't feel any urge to stand up and walk around... just to shift position.

I was just experiencing it now (I woke up to it after 2.5 hours of sleep), and decided to stop fighting it and have a little ice-cream (no sugar added!) and type it up instead. : )

I suspect, given the timing of this, that it's simply sleeplessness as a side-effect of the Sudafed I'm taking. This is the third night I've had trouble, and I've been on Sudafed (well, generic) for three days. (BTW, I'm assuming it's also causing dryness of the mouth.)

I hate taking extra drugs when I'm trying to pay attention to symptoms! But I have to admit, my ears are hurting a lot less.

[ponder]

Anyway, the larger-scale update: Today, I gave up on the whole "screw the cramping" thing: I have reached the limits of my pain tollerance. The lack of sleep last night (I'm guessing, conservatively, that I had about four hours) really took it's toll today. Today was also an off-site, all-day workshop for my job. I was fatigued, my muscles were touchy, and I didn't want to move. Unhappiness ensued. : ) I was probably a lot meaner than I needed to be at the meeting--and there was plenty of opportunity to be critrical, since we were doing "Strategic Planning", and they were looking for a lot of input.

My solution to the problems of the day was to retire around 6:00 tonight. ...But here I am.

One final thing to add: posting about all of this is starting to bother me. It feels like I'm whining unnecessarily, it feels like I'm feeding into the self-paranoia, and I'm generally feeling otherwise self-conscious and self-critical.

But I promised updates, honesty, and transparency. So, I'll keep it up, but part of that is noting that I'm not enjoying keeping it up. : D So there!

Okay, I don't want to lose much more than 30 minutes of potential sleep-time to this stuff, so I'm retiring. Wish me luck.

Summary

One word summary: ouch.

Bad day. Woke up sore, cramped all day long... at the end of my tolerance of the cramping.

Just want it to stop. Either my ears are improving, or the cramps have distracted me from them, 'cause they aren't bothering me as much today. That's something.

Spent all night taking care of paperwork. ALL NIGHT. From 4:30 to 9:00, non-stop, did it while eating a microwaved lasagna, even.

Still not done! Close, though. One more bill to pay, one more stack of papers to go through. Aiiie.

...Bad day.

Sleeping now.

Ouch.

So, I've had a "not-an-ear-infection" for a few weeks now (Dr. tells me it's a sinus infection that's just got my eustacian tubes clogged). It hurts. And as of today, the rest of the body is aching in that lymph-node-y, "dude, you're sick" kind of way.

And the muscle cramps are seriously starting to get old, man.

But I'm not beaten yet. ;)

Got in a little consulting tonight. ...I'm not sure why I put it off this weekend: I really enjoy Perl. Sure beats the day-job Visual dBase crap.

Okay, I lied: I know why I put it off. ...I would rather be doing music stuff, that's why. Or drawing. ...As cool as Perl is. ;)

Ouch. ...I just hiccuped. Damn ears.

Eww, 1kBWC, and, of course, Health.

My house stinks.


No, seriously. We've had humidity of over 50% for several weeks now, and the roof leaked this weekend, and despite my best efforts to clean it all up... the result is: it stinks.

And little did I realize just how much faster food goes bad with humidity. Being that I'm alone in the house (and there's only so much I can eat per day), the food's just dropping like flies.

On top of it, I'm still really tired (and just want to sleep, dammit), my muscles are all saying "okay, enough with this cramping experiment, can we go back to being slow, please?", and I haven't noticed any improvements with speech or typing or teeth-brushing. ...Though at the same time, I've noticed that things like shampooing/drying/combing my hair, shaving, and (large) stick-twirling are all unaffected. (But I can't twirl a pencil.) Weird. Despite antibiotics, my ears are still totally clogged and they hurt every time I yawn (which is every few minutes, argh). So... "sucks-to-be-me" continues. I'm trying, though! Really.

I played two rounds (= one game) of 1kBWC this weekend. Three player game. ...It holds up with three players, but there is much less time for art, so things are a little sloppier in that respect. Plus, all of us were tired, so it was kinda low-key. But it scratched the itch. I had a couple of cards to be proud of: "You Walked The Pattern" (could have been better), "Object of My Desire" (very cool card, one of my best), and "Colored-pencil Porcupine on a Leash".

And, adding to the rectoclops collection (I ended up with a LOT of blanks and not much time to fill them): Rectoclops Siamese Twins, Fat Rectoclops (drawn the same as usual, but adds "trust me, it's a porker"), Stick-figure Rectoclops (a line), Rectoclops Barkeep, Rectoclops Judge, Rectoclops Spaceship With Nacelles, Rectoclops Manacotti (a parallelogram in perspective, mimicing another series of "manicotti" cards) and Rectoclops in a Mirror. Oh, and possibly my favourite ever: Non-euclidian Rectoclops. They make me chuckle. I learned that one of the other players secretly hates rectoclops... and yet he was still amused by these. (Tooting my own horn, these were good.)

Highlights from other players? Hmmmn. Some really nice artwork in a few cases, but sadly nothing leaps to mind. "Princess Sparkle Pony Spaceship" was a chuckle... I later edited it to give it nacelles in the shape of unicorn horns, since he'd neglected to give it a horn, though. And there were a few other very cool-looking spaceships. IMHO, the "destroys cards of type foo" style of card is getting really old.

I played a wee bit of Continuum this weekend, too. Enjoyable game concept! One of the more flavor-ful players was absent, so things took a decidedly more serious tone... and two highly ADD players were there instead, so the game didn't move fast. Still, the GM rocks, so it wasn't all lost.

Actually, the 1kBWC game had a lot of references to Continuum, and they were all quite amusing... including a little drawing of a stick-figure mime kissing a picture of a big butt. Heh. Long story.

There's something of a "mini-theme" with stop-watches... the original card is up on flickr, and one of the players had drawn a "What Time Is It Card", the effect of which was going to be something along the lines of "Create a new card that duplicates the text of something or other"... but, ironically, he ran out of time drawing it (this is ironic, because the next incarnation of the "Time's Up!" card says "Stop a player who is currently drawing, and take the unfinished card. Finish it."). ...The unfinished version ended up in my hand, but before I could complete it, Another player played a "swap hands" card, and it ended up in yet another player's hand... and that player went silly on us, and turned it into "Create a new card that depicts a rectoclops". She played it on me. "Non-euclidian" was the result.

I guess you had to be there.

Health: The Day After, and other news

Well... a day of "let 'er cramp" has led to A) trouble getting to sleep (two hours of Restless Leg Syndrome... GEE, I wonder why), and B) Quite the collection of knots in the muscles this morning.


Taking it in stride. ...I'm going to see what happens if I just continue down the path.


Briefly, since I'm working: there was SO much rain yesterday that the vent in our bedroom (which runs a line from the cooler, over the roof, to our room) leaked quite badly. Dried that up as much as I could... I'll be out to unclog the roof as best I can later.

I am SO Addicted

(Speaking of psychological problems...)

I just need one hand, man. Just one hand!


C'mon, man... I need it, man. I need it!

Self-diagnosis

As of this writing, here's what I believe about my "condition":


It's a combination of three things.

  1. Bad blood. I don't know what that means, and I don't know how serious it is, but I list it first, because I think it's the starting point for most of this, and it's the only thing for which I have medically-provable evidence. It could be linked to my high cholesterol (for those who don't know, the last time I had it measured, I was at about 280): we will find out this week, because I just had a lipid panel taken today.
  2. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. This would explain the trouble typing and keyboarding and other fine-manipulation problems... though I am not experiencing the standard "shooting pain" associated with it, I think that's a factor of #3. Several people have suggested this already, and I've railed against it, citing the fact that I wear braces, I do stretches, I change tasks... I'm paranoid about it. ...But that could be exactly why I am experiencing none of the typical pains of CTS, but the typical nerve-damage symptoms.
  3. Hypochondria. This explains the fatigue, trouble walking, trouble speaking, and "severe pain".
Here is what I (think I) know about hypochondia: it's a form of chronic worry. There are some who think it's a form of OCD: you keep checking yourself for symptoms. A typical case of hypochondria will involve "latching on" to a particular diagnosis and insisting you have that problem, and despite any evidence to the contrary, you'll continue insisting that's the problem... but I know that, so my suspicision is that my subconscious is cleverly not allowing that to happen, but is instead latching onto these vague, un-measurable metrics, like pain and fatigue and "slurred speech" here and there.


This morning, I awoke as I usually do--with my calves warning about cramping. Finding a bit of resolve, I decided, fine. Cramp. Screw you. I got the cramp, I took it, I continued on. ...And, to my surprise, what I've found on "the other side"... is pretty much the same. The muscles continue to complain... but they don't get worse. I haven't had another cramp, yet, despite contiunued "threats". They're definitely tight muscles... but so what?


Alright, it could be that I'm having another good day... another "Air Show Day". (I recently went to see the Thunderbirds at the AFB, and didn't have any trouble being on my feet for most of the day.) We'll see. But even if that's the case, I'm taking advantage of it. ...well... other than the fact that I just took a three-plus-hour "nap", heh.


Now. ...All that said, my wife woke up this morning with--guess what--a leg cramp! So, there could very well be some environmental factor contributing to this as well. It could be, say... a gas leak, a weird microbe in the air filters... I dunno, any number of minute things. But at the moment, I think that I have been way too focused on myself for way too long that hypochondria can't be a factor here. I mean, last night I was watching my own eye changing dilation, and thinking, "oh, shit, that can't be normal"! ...C'mon.


So, what does this mean for you, dear reader?


I don't know. Should you question everything I say? Should you coddle me? Should you push me? Should you caution me? Should you ignore me? I honestly don't know. I have promised you all that I would be honest and transparent, so that's all I'm doing right now.


Yes, I realize that I could be falling into the opposite trap, where something really is wrong, and if I operate under the assumption that it's subconscious, I might end up pushing myself too far and really doing more damage. So I'll be cautious. But as of this writing, that's what I believe, and until I get some hard evidence, I'm not going to feed into it any more than I already have by writing this big long post that I'm making everyone read.


Heh.


I have a high opinion of myself, and that includes my subconscious self. It's capable of making me feel pretty shitty.


Fortunately, if it is somatising (which, I gather, is the "PC" term for hypochondria), that's also something that a Neurologist can help detect and treat. So I'm not changing my plans to see one. (Not to mention CTS!)

My health

Some of you know that I'm not healthy. Some of you don't.

That has created a rumor mill. So, to address that, here is the elephant in the room:

I'm not feeling well. At the moment, this is marked by:

  • Fatigue. Without 8 hours of sleep, my day is ruined. With 12 hours, it's okay. At any given time, I'm tired and ready to go to bed.
  • Muscle Tightness/Cramps. This has been causing me a lot of pain. It feels like I've run a marathon, and I'm too tired to move muscles. When I do, they say "STOP, or I'll cramp!" ...If I don't stop, or if I move too quickly to begin with, they do cramp, which hurts a lot. Yes, weird. The worst muscle groups are the legs, so getting up, sitting down, and walking are difficult, but possible. I can walk LONG distances for a LONG time without stopping... but I need to do it slowly, and it's uncomfortable--sometimes painful.
  • Some potentially neurological problems. I have difficulty articulating some words, some of the time. It's not reproducable. I have trouble typing: many more typos than usual, much slower, more fatigue in so-doing. I am having trouble focusing, lately: my eyes feel tired, like they don't want to coordinate. For most of these, the best description I have found is that it's like I've been out in the cold for a few hours, and I've just come back in: I feel... slow, stiff, and sloppy.
  • Strange Bloodwork. My red-count, white-count, and sodium levels, as well as two or three other levels that didn't mean anything to me, so I forget their names, are all low. Lower than "normal". But only slightly. For example, if "normal" is 35-50, my level would be 34.5... It's bold and flagged on the report, but only just barely. Yes. Weird.
I don't know what's going on. People who have limited information are worried that it's something serious... but there's nothing saying it is. At the moment, all these effects are really mild: I couldn't walk into an ER in this condition, and it's debatable whether I would even get looked at seriously in urgent care. At the moment, I'm just keeping in frequent touch (biweekly) with my usual doctor.

Nothing has been eliminated. It could be Lupus. It could be MS. It
could be heavy metals. It could psychosomatic: nothing truly
"measurable" has developed. It could be progressive, it could be
benign. It could be side-effects (there's a word for it which I
forget) from plain old infections (I work with Pharmacists, and one of
them just suggested this yesterday--apparantly one can get
neurological side-effects with some fancy name because of some
auto-immune behaviours). If that's the case, the antibiotic I was
just put on yesterday should clear things up in a few days, or it might
require more serious antibiotics for a much longer course. I'm getting
a test for arthritis this weekend, and that will
(strangely) rule out another host of possibilities, which include some
auto-immune problems, like Lupus. We're still avoiding the whole
"cancer" thing, because none of the usual cancer flags (like weight loss) are there.

Personally? My mind changes. I've gone from thinking it was
somatising to thinking it was a side-effect of something I was taking
to being absolutely convinced it was MS to (presently) thinking it
probably has a lot more to do with my *blood* than neurons: what it
feels like is that my muscles are just absolutely fatigued: like they
cannot get any more oxygen, and so they're cramping (by using
anaerobic metabolism), aching all the time (from the lactic acid
buildup), and then just refusing to work properly (thus the slurring
and difficulty typing, etc, etc). To me, that just makes the most
sense... but my knowledge is very limited.

That's news from the horse's mouth.

Of course, we're all hoping it's something benign, and of course there
is risk that it's something more serious. Neurology is very hard to
diagnose, which is why I'm seeing a neurologist on the 19th. Unless
something develops between now and then (antibiotics fix things,
bloodwork is more telling, condition crosses the "serious" line), the
likely outcome of that appointment will be an MRI, which should fairly
quickly rule out a whole lot of other stuff.

Speculation before then is nothing more than speculation, of
course... which is the path to the dark side (speculation leads to
worry, worry leads to fear, fear leads to anger, anger leads to
burning up in lava and wearing a shiny hat that makes breathing sound
effects for the rest of your life).

So stop the cycle as early as you can! :)

I'm in a good state of mind, and to me, that's the most important
thing right now. I'm feeling very positive. If I come out of this
with new limitations, that's something I can deal with: I'm a firm
believer that everyone has limitations, and as such, the limitations
we have are somewhat arbitrary. As long as I'm able to appreciate
what I have, I have something powerful. And at the moment, I see
nothing to worry about in that regard! So, honestly--*whatever* this
is--I can handle it. This doesn't have to be negative: this could
even make me a better person, in a lot of ways. For example, I've
always wanted to... slow down.

Of course, knowing what's going on would bring an additional layer of
comfort that I would greatly appreciate. ;) So I'm looking forward
to that, too.

That's the most honest answer I can give.

All is well with me.