A Second Wind Over the Mesas

Well, I didn't get to sleep after that post, and lay in bed suffering until about 12:00. All I could think about was the cramping, and secondarily how I could possibly explain it to a doctor. My anxiety level just kept going up and up and up, and I had the thought that this is like torture: I'm in pain and out of control of it.

So it dawned on me that I really needed to get my mind off of it, and I decided to turn on the light and read my book. At the moment, I'm working my way through the last third of Mind Hacks. But the book wasn't by the bed, and I didn't have the energy to get up and look for it.

Instead, I grabbed The Tao of Photography. ...And boy, am I glad I did. It was exactly what I needed: a reminder that there is no suffering in the present moment: I was dwelling on the future (explaining to the Doctor) and the past (when there wasn't pain). I felt so much better just after a few pages that I put the book down and fell almost immediately to sleep. Perfect.

I know that kind of talk rubs some of you the wrong way, but I think "mindfullness" is something that is scientifically sound. In a nutshell, it's basically saying what I just said: suffering is relative. By filtering your thoughts to simply what you are currently perceiving, and dwelling on them instead of on the comparitors, you can dramatically reduce your perceptions of desire, regret, and (basically) stress: you just are what you are. It takes some practice, but it works. Demonstrably. (And, in my personal experience, quite well.)

That said (and feeling better), I have a few observations:

I was worried (in the Hypochondria post, below) that these cramps were only pseudo-real... I'm now convinced that they are very real. I'm dwelling on them, yes, and that's making them worse... but they're real. Unfortunately (or not), they are also less than fully predictable.

My "neurological" symptoms (slowness/clumsiness of hands) are slightly better today. In fact, there's no hypersensitivity except for one spot on my right foot that's been particularly bad for a few days (the center of my heel). I don't know about my speech, no one is around to test it on. On the bad side, muscle fatigue is so thorough that typing is still painful after a few lines, and I still need to pause frequently to let my forearms rest.

I haven't lost weight (I'm 180 lbs)... but I've lost a lot of fat. Where's it going? Okay, don't laugh, but I'm now convinced: it's going to my muscles. My calves, bicepts, shoulders, and thighs are all perceptibly "bigger" than they were a month ago. ...So there's a positive side to all this cramping.

...Now if only the fatigue would go away, so I could see if there's any actual strength behind them! : D ...I try to test it, but they burn after just a few seconds of use.

Alright, now I'm going to be late for work.

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